


Dungeons & Dysphoria

by Nekomimi_Momo



Category: BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: Bonding over video games, Coming Out, Dysphoria, Gen, Gender Identity, Light Angst, Neo Fantasy Online, Trans Female Character, Trans Sayo, Vaguely implied AkoRinko, You can pry trans sayo from my cold dead hands
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-20
Updated: 2019-07-20
Packaged: 2020-07-09 01:41:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19879501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nekomimi_Momo/pseuds/Nekomimi_Momo
Summary: By now, Sayo knows what to expect when coming out. There will be surprise, sometimes horror. Sometimes there are hugs, reassurances, love. There are always questions.But when Ako comes with hers, Sayo realizes there might just be questions that she isn't able to answer.(Behold, my first fic in nearly a decade.)





	Dungeons & Dysphoria

At the soft ding of her phone’s calendar, she stretched and put aside her guitar. Practice time had gone well, and she’d worked on everything she had planned to. Good. Just as planned. She rose from the bed and pulled up the notification, confirming what she already knew.

_ NFO Session with Udagawa-san and Shirokane-san. Limited time dungeon. Begins in 5 minutes. _

As the game loaded on her computer, she adjusted her headphones to be perfectly comfortable. Good. Two taps on her mic confirmed it was working. Good. She quickly typed in her password, and the welcome screen began to loaded. Good. Join party, online now,  _ NFOselia _ , confirm, and-

**“SAYO-SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! THE TIME HAS COME TO RESTORE THE TERRIFYING REALM OF UTTER DARKNESS TO…** uh… **THE QUEST.”**

Never mind. Volume is too high. 

Sayo winced as she turned the volume down. “Good evening, Udagawa-san. Is Shirokane-san not online yet?”   
  
“Nah, she said she’s gonna be a bit late, but we can get started if you want! Are you ready to smash some monster skulls?!” While Ako was energetic as always, the absence of her more composed other half raised a few red flags in Sayo’s mind. Don’t get the wrong idea, of course. Ako’s great.

In moderation.

Preferably with Rinko there to calm her down.

“Are you sure? …This quest is supposedly rather challenging, and I worry that the two of us alone will be unable to complete it.” Good. That’s a valid reason to not want to rush in-

“Nah it’s fine, and besides– too late. Already started the quest.”

Alright. This is fine. This will be fine. Sayo took a deep breath as the dungeon loaded onto her screen. “Do your best, Udagawa-san. We should try that strategy where I approach from the front, while yo-”

**“DARK EXPLOSIONNNNNNNNNN!!!!”**

This is fine. Still good.

* * *

“Sayo-san! That last demon dropped a golden urn!” Ako seemed genuinely excited about the vanquished creature’s possessions. Right now, though, Sayo was more preoccupied with using potions on herself between battles. “You need these for the Nova Bow!”

Sayo sighed. “Udagawa-san, I was under the impression we were looking for omega quartz? For the Champion Shield?” Still, she reached for her notebook. Nova Bow, that’s new, sounds interesting. Add to the list.

“Oh yeah but the Nova Bow is like… FILLED with demonic energy! It’s really… good! Really good!” Sayo could practically hear Ako bouncing in her chair, and for once, she wasn’t going to ruin that excitement by pointing out that none of their party uses a bow. It was a victory, albeit a tiny and rather useless one. Still...

“I see.” Sayo did a quick check of her inventory. “Anything else we need to do before the next battle? I’m running low on potions, but-”   


“Heyyyyy, uh… When did you know you were trans?”

Sayo froze. This was not in the plan. She did not expect this. No. She  _ should have _ expected this, it’s what happens when you come out to people. Even if she trusts her bandmates, even if they were fully supportive, there are questions, there is always confusion or concern and she thought it was over, it went so well, she needs to have a talk with Lisa when this is all over because this is all Lisa’s fault since Lisa invited her to the festival which raised the question of yukatas and why she doesn’t have a yukata because she had no need to own one until relatively recently which required an explanation and of course Lisa was great about it and supportive and helped her pick out one of her own but once Lisa knows might as well assume Yukina knows and if half of Roselia knows then Rinko and Ako deserve to know so she might as well tell everyone at rehearsal to avoid problems and it went well and everyone was fine but there were no questions, there are always questions, why did she assume it was done, and now she has to-

“S-sayo-san?” Ako’s trembling voice snapped Sayo back to reality.

Wait.

Was Ako… Nervous? Scared? Something other than, well, invasively curious?

“Yes?”

“Yo- You can just forget I asked, I’m… Sorry. Forget it.” It sounded like Ako was on the verge of tears.

Some might say that Sayo was a cold-hearted woman, and while they might be right, cold-hearted is not quite heartless.

“No, no, Udagawa-san, it's alright. I was just caught off guard."  Sayo took a breath, then continued, "Why ask now? Why not during rehearsal when i told the rest of the band?"

"Because…" The sniffles on the other end of the call gave way to deep breaths. "Because I don't know what I am."

Ah, okay then. That's what this conversation was about. A feeling of calm settled over Sayo. This was not going to be easy, but it was doable. Good.

"...And you would like to compare your own feelings with my own, in hopes of better determining … How you relate to the annoying thing that is gender?"

A quiet "mhmm" was the only response Sayo received, which was all she really needed.

Good. She had a starting point.

"The short answer, I'm sorry to say, is that I never knew." While she couldn't see Ako, she knew the young drummer well enough at this point to perfectly visualize how the way she seemed to deflate, disappointed in an answer she would rather not hear.

Of course, Sayo was not going to leave her in such a state. "Would you mind pausing our quest in order to hear the long answer?"

Ako didn't say anything, but a screen appeared informing Sayo that a party member had paused the quest.

Good. Here we go.

"I am sure, at this point, that you are familiar with the… complicated relationship I have with my twin sister." Understatement of the year, perhaps, but not wrong. 

"Mhmm, Lisa-nee says I shouldn't ask you about Hina-chan though, because she doesn't like it when you're all angsty."

"Does she now?" Sayo wasn't she if she should be thankful or not. Well. She could discuss this with Lisa later.

"For so long, my feelings about my sister were just petty jealousy. Once I realized that our friends were really her friends, that our accomplishments were really hers… I wanted that. I wanted to be like her, popular and brilliant." Sayo paused, shaking her head. "Some of that stuck. Most of it would give way to bitterness. Anger. Maybe even hatred, on the worst days. I… I am not proud of it, but it is the truth."

Pause. Breathe. A part of Sayo begged for Ako to pipe up with an oddly-phrased question, to give her an out, but she knew it wasn't coming. She had to finish this.

"I genuinely cannot describe my mindset in those years— it was not entirely coherent. I wanted to be valued and praised, like Hina, but I wanted nothing to do with her. I wanted her friendships, but hated her friends. I wanted the long hair she had, and I hated her for cutting it. I wanted to wear the dresses she owned, and grew frustrated when she wore t-shirts, like me. I wanted to look in the mirror and see…"

She hated to admit this, now, but...

" The only time I wanted to see her face was when I looked in the mirror."

Perhaps Imai-san had a point.   


"That all changed quickly, almost instantly. I hit a growth spurt, and she did not. She complained about cramps, when I had none. Just like that… Just like that, everything came into focus. I would never be her. I would never be anything like her, and I shattered like glass. I curled inwards, I refused to talk to others, I barely ate, I-"

"I'm not like that."

Ako's voice surprised Sayo, but before she could say anything, Ako continued. "I don't hate my big sis, I'm not broken, I'm not…"

There was a pause. Sayo didn't know what to say, but-

"...I'm not broken, right?"

Shit.

Shitshitshitshit.

Sayo needed to regain control of this before it got really bad.

"No, you're... You're not broken, Udagawa-san. But you're also not me." Alright. New plan. She could do this.

"When I said I never knew when I was trans, I was being honest. In a way, it just happened. As I tried to find out who I was, what it means to be Hikawa Sayo, it became clear what I had to do."

"But am I-" Sorry, Udagawa-san, but Sayo wasn't done yet.

"I learned that Hikawa Sayo finds comfort in structure, in rules. She believes in hard work. She plays the guitar, a lot. Sometimes too much."

"To be Sayo is to be extremely self-conscious about tight clothing. To be Sayo is to eschew makeup because you never learned it. It is to want to separate yourself from your sister as much as possible. It is to be a woman, despite what your birth certificate may say."

She stopped talking, and took a deep breath. She could finish this, she could-

"To be Ako is to be cool," Ako spoke up. "Or at least, to want to be cool."

Wait. Wait, what?

"To be Ako is to admire everything about your big sis. It's to have a hard time paying attention in class, it's to know that Rin-Rin has a pretty smile, it's to spend all day looking forward to Roselia practice."

Sayo could feel the pause in the air, but she didn't dare breach it until Ako continued: "Being Ako means you have no idea why people care about this gender crap so much. And it makes you feel like… like an orc in an elf village."

Well, that was an analogy, but… "You might be right. You are nothing like everyone else. And neither am I. And neither is Shirokane-san, neither is Minato-san, neither is Imai-san. Each would answer differently, with a different list of what makes them them."

"Except… Roselia. We've got that in common, to be any of us is to love Roselia. Right?"

Sayo smiled. "Precisely. And I have being a woman in common with, say, Hazawa-san. But I doubt she values Roselia in the same way I do."

She wanted to give herself a moment, but she had to press on.

"It can be hard, but try not to let who others are get to you. There will only ever be one Udagawa Ako. And if Udagawa Ako could not care less about defining her gender, then you should toss labels aside."

Alright, Sayo might not be half-bad at this. 

"Right! **RIGHT!** "

Oh no. She could already feel Ako's "dark energy" returning, and sure enough…

**"I SHALL BECOME THE MOST LEGENDARY DEMON OF ALL, AND NONE SHALL DEFINE MY DARKNESS!"**

Oh, that reminded her. "By the way, Uda-" Sayo stopped herself. "Ako-san, never forget, that if you encounter ignorant, uh... gnomes on your quest, you can count on your party members to support you, no matter what. Rumor has it that Imai-san's cookies are more effective than health elixirs."

The laugh on the other end of the line allowed Sayo to breathe the sigh of relief that she hadn't realized she had been holding in. The laughter was punctuated with sniffles, as Ako was probably between laughs and tears right now.

"Thanks, Sayo-nee, but you know there aren't any gnomes in NFO, right?"

Sayo allowed herself to roll her eyes. "Goblins, then. And if your royal darkness does not mind, I need to take a brief bathroom break before we get back to our quest. I will return shortly."

Sayo took off her headphones and stretched a little. That had gone well enough. She ran a hand through her hair and looked in the mirror.

The girl in the mirror smiled back.

* * *

Having stepped away, Sayo completely missed the audio that came through get headphones in the next few moments. 

"Okay Rin-Rin, you can unmute now."

"That… that sounded like it went… rather well."

"Yep! And thanks for being there to support me. You're the best sorceress around!"

"Y-yes… but, Ako-chan…"

"Hmm?"

"What… what was that about my smile?"

**Author's Note:**

> Who, me? Project onto Sayo and use her as a mouthpiece to talk about my own experiences? Nahhhhhhh.
> 
> And yes, I know you can't pause MMORPGs.
> 
> Maybe someday I'll write something with chapters again. Maybe someday they'll let you pause MMORPGs.
> 
> (Inspirations for this work include the Roselia Stage manga, Bloom Into You, Evangelion Ep. 16, Granblue Fantasy, mid-2000s emo rock, countless Discord DMs, and insomnia. Dedicated to the staff of Kyoto Animation.)


End file.
